My Bad, I Was Angry

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

Early this month, I wrote an impact statement in the sentencing of the man who murdered my son. It took me forever to write, it was emotional and stressful, but I got through it. The sentence handed down was not what my family hoped for; nevertheless, he will be held accountable. In my statement, there was a point where I judged him. Later, the Holy Spirit showed me that I was judging him; I had to repent.

It has been a year and a half since my son was murdered and I think of him and miss him every day. I am his mother and I didn’t always make the best choices raising him, his sister, and his brother. I have made mistakes. It is easy to see the sin of others but not as easy to see our own. It is easy to fall into the trap of comparing our sin to the sin of others. Romans 3:23 tells us that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. 

My anger is not an excuse. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:26 to be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Why? If we read on to verse 27, it says, nor give the devil a foothold. I believe anger is an emotion that clouds judgment. When we allow our anger to fester, we make it solely about us. Instead of giving it to Jesus; we become consumed. Now here comes the enemy whispering lies and mixing them with truth and more lies. The next thing you know, we are thinking about all sorts of “what if” scenarios adding fuel to the fire of our anger. People, including myself, do stupid things when we get angry because we refuse to give it to Jesus. We insist on satisfying our need to “set things right” or “get back” at the one who hurt us. This just reminds me that there is still work to be done in my healing. 

I named this blog “Perfection not Necessary” because many times we think we need to be perfect to come to Jesus. We try and fail many times over because we will not give up control. I know I am hardest on myself and need to be reminded at times that God does his best work in our imperfections. We cannot fix ourselves. He heals, restores, provides, saves, and ultimately transforms us. It is God’s timing that matters, not ours. He deals with us in different areas when He wants.

Have you ever been convicted in the shower? Well, I have and it was very uncomfortable. I even had the nerve to speak out loud “that is not true” while looking around trying to hide. Who does that? I tried to hide from God like he couldn’t see me. Looking back, I laugh at my ridiculousness. God exposed me to me and I tried to hide like he was talking to someone else. I was convicted but given instructions to make it right. Let Him fill you up, rearrange things and throw out what does not bring glory to Him. In the meantime, keep seeking Him, praying, praising, worshipping, and building a relationship with Him.

I was reminded that too much of my time goes to what I want. I am either scrolling through my phone or watching shows on Netflix or some other network. Instead of seeking God, praying, reading the word, and doing my best to be a light to others; I numbed myself with what does not matter. When things go wrong or I feel off, I get frustrated because I can’t hear God speaking when I want him to. It’s probably because I am consuming everything except God.

That is just like us to want what we want when we want it. Who am I to put time limits on God? We are like; God, I need you to answer me by Thursday at 3:30 pm or I’m going to “do what I have to do”, and we wonder why things blow up in our faces. As I write, I am in tears laughing because I have been guilty of this on so many occasions. How many times have I been mad at God because in my impatience; I did “what I had to do” and everything fell apart? I said all that to say, seek God’s face. Get in and stay in his presence, and he will lead you according to his will. We have to trust God in all things. 

Okay, I have to wrap this up because I started off talking about judging others and it just morphed into whatever this is. There are a few things I want you to take away from this post. Be careful about judging others. In Matthew 7:1-2, Jesus tells us, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” Secondly, do not hold on to your anger. The enemy will use it against you. It is okay to get angry, but we have to release it. Holding on to anger poisons our minds and bodies; it works its way into our daily lives and hinders us from being who God created us to be. Lastly, make the best use of the time God has given you. Tomorrow is not promised. Money, jobs, cars, houses, and shoes can be replaced but time cannot be. Our time is priceless. We cannot fix yesterday; we live in the present. I don’t know about you, but when my time is up; I want a high-five with a well done from Jesus for my diligence. Yes, sometimes I fall, but I refuse to stay down. As long as there is breath in my body I will continue to choose Jesus!

Peace and Blessings

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