Until we meet again

Losing my son is my worst nightmare come true. My heart has a permanent scar. My life will never be the same.

My beautiful boy,

I never imagined that I would be saying goodbye to you. I feel a tremendous amount of sorrow and anxiety typing this. My second-born and first son. You were my beautiful boy with a heart to match. Your sense of humor was the best. You could always make me laugh, even when I was mad at you. You had your share of trouble, but you were determined not to repeat past mistakes, and that made me so proud of you. You knew what you wanted and worked hard to achieve it. No one with an ounce of truth in them can ever say you didn’t work hard. Sadly, your life and dreams were stolen by someone we all loved and trusted. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.

I wish I had more time with you, to show you how much I loved you, to tell you how proud I was of you, to see you get married, have children, and become the man you were created to be. I can’t help but feel cheated.

I know you were doing your best to make a better life for yourself. You were so excited and focused on your music. I remember you called me after recording your first song. The excitement in your voice made me so happy for you. I was excited you found something you loved. So young and full of life, you were determined to make it. I never imagined your life would end so tragically.

I am so heartbroken this happened to you. It was me who encouraged you to move to Baltimore. I truly believed him when he said he would help you, keep you safe, and set you on a better path; to success.

Thoughts of you consume my mind daily. Some days I laugh at something you said or did and am abruptly reminded that I will never see you again. Then there are days when my heart just aches for you. I cry so much; you know how much I hate crying. Sometimes, I listen to your music just to hear your voice because I never want to forget. I don’t have any voicemails from you. I still have our texts; I read them occasionally. We always had great talks over the phone or by text.

I miss you so much. I miss your hugs, your smile, your sense of humor, and that insane laugh of yours. I even miss making breakfast for you; you always wanted me to make breakfast. You always greeted me with a smile and the biggest hug. You were the one who always knew when something was off with me. I could never hide what I was feeling from you. Even though you were a jokester and super silly, you were wise beyond your years. I could always count on you for encouragement and a gentle push when needed. You told me that I deserved to be loved, and anyone who didn’t love me well didn’t deserve me. You have always held a special place in my heart, and saying goodbye feels like my heart is being ripped apart.

Your sister and brother are having a hard time with your loss. I know how close you all were. I know they miss you terribly; they are each grieving in their own way. Your little brother is still reeling. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that plagues his mind after witnessing this horrible event. He can never unsee it; it keeps him up at night. He is coping, but he is and will be forever changed. He has to live the rest of his life without his hero and big brother. Your sister is angry, and though we are all angry. She is masking her pain in unhealthy ways. She will not slow down, and she is just spinning her wheels. She lost the protection and love of her brother and best friend. I am praying for them, asking God to heal their hearts and minds. I know that when they come through this, both of their testimonies will be powerful and may even help many others. I believe God will heal them just as he is healing me.

You are still my beautiful boy. That will never change. I know you loved me and knew that I loved you. You will forever be in my heart; no one can take that away. I will always love you and cherish our time together as mother and son. You are now free. You are free from the worries and pains of this life. We were not ready for you to go; you will be forever missed. But it seems God had other plans different from ours; he called you home earlier than we expected.

Goodbye, my beautiful boy, until we meet again.

Mama

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